meme queen

serena. 22. seattle. i like art and stupid stuff. i get sick a lot.

2 years ago

Michael: If I fuck this model… and she just bleached her asshole… and I get bleach on my asshole… that means we touched assholes.

Michael: it’s fun because you get to say asshole every time.

2 years ago
5,710 notes
  • Alton Brown: *appears with a gun*
  • Contestant: oh man what's he thunkin lol
  • Alton Brown: Contestants there's nothing I love more than a gun
  • Contestant: aaaaaaaaaa
  • Alton Brown: Contestants if you win this auction you can force your opponent of choice to cook.... using only a gun
  • Contestant: *to camera* I'm not too worried about this one, I grew up around guns, my dad had a gun. My dad had a gun
2 years ago
1,457 notes

seattle gothic

househunting:

-you drive outside of Seattle, you drive for an hour, there are fields, farms, orchards. Another hour, foothills, mountains, snow. Another hour, desert, farmland. Cows. Apples, hops, apples, cherries, apples, corn. More apples. Everything is apples and farmland. You stop and buy some apples on the side of the road. You keep driving, you have not left the state. You will never leave the state.

- The mountain looms over the skyline. There are few clouds in the sky today. The Mountain is Out. People stop in their tracks outside, on the city streets. The Mountain Is Out. They smile and laugh, a man steps out of an office building and turns to you with a smile. “The Mountain!” he says “It’s beautiful today!” you agree, you walk into a Starbucks, you tell the barista that the mountain is out. She should see it.

-There is a Starbucks on every corner. There is a Seattle’s Best on every sidewalk. There is a Tullys on every block. There is also a Caffe Ladro and a Fuel and, on every street, a drive-through coffee stand with a pun in the name, or a bikini-wearing girl serving drinks. Do you want to get coffee? You don’t much like coffee.

-There is a little festival in your neighborhood every year. It is called the Strawberry festival. Or the Cherry festival. The Apple Festival. No fruit grows here. Nothing but houses grow from the soil.

- You are at a fancy restaurant, it overlooks the water and has a salmon on the logo, or maybe a boat. Probably a salmon though. A man at the next table is angry. He says Columbus Day is more important than Indigenous People’s Day. You order the salmon. Before he leaves, the man uses the words Puyallup, Sequim, Skagit, Kitsap, and Tulalip.

- Seattle is built on fill. Seattle is built on Seattle. Seattle is sinking.

- East of the mountains we glow in the dark, west of the mountains we grow webbed feet.

- there is a Nuclear site built on the remains of Native American houses.

- Every fall you go to the fair. It is huge, with food and vendors and animals and crafts and competitions and rides and blue ribbons and prizes for games. It is a wonderful place. They housed more than 6000 Japanese Americans here after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. But. It is a fun place.

- The bus is late. The bus is always late. The bus is so late it might as well be the next bus. The next bus is late.

- Your umbrella is useless here.

- The city released a great mechanical beast, all metal, with a drill for a nose, under the city. This is not a good idea, the newspapers said. Seattle is built on fill, people said. There are great rocks underground dropped by glaciers, scientists said. This is Not a Good Idea. The Great Drill was released. We named her Bertha. Bertha is 57 feet tall. Bertha is trapped. What did she find so deep underground?

(this has little to nothing to do with houses or househunting or this blog but i just found this again (not sure who wrote it, not me) and damn it is so relevant.)

(Source: househunting)